So, why doesn’t it work?
Start by asking yourself this question: When you come to work do you REALLY bring yourself to work, or is it your ‘work’ self? If someone from work met you in a social environment, not connected to work in any way, what would they see? Would they recognise you? Presumably your family and friends like the ‘real’ you outside of work, so why not share that in the workplace too? And, while you’re not being you, you’re expending considerable mental effort consciously behaving in a way that is not natural to you. Exhausting, isn’t it?
If you behave differently at work than you do at home, how do you think other people in your organisation are behaving? What if some of the senior leadership, who model the perfect example of inclusivity, compassion, openness, etc. are finding it even more exhausting than you as they’re actually narcissistic psychopaths (apparently, up to a fifth of NHS CEOs have psychopathic tendencies)? It’s no wonder that you find it really hard work because, chances are, you’re not ‘living’ your organisation’s values (which most likely fit with your own unconscious value set in any case), you’re actually emulating a narcissistic psychopath’s portrayal of the values, which they find incredibly tiring to achieve themselves.
And, you’re not being true to yourself. So, what are you going to do about it?
There is a growing concept of having a ‘to be’ list but, for it to work for you, the top of your list has to be “be you”. It can be daunting to ‘be you’ when all around you aren’t being themselves but it’s really empowering if you can achieve it. Everything you say and do doesn’t need to go through your internal ‘work behaviours’ filter, freeing up your mind to be more receptive and creative. If you can manage to do a supermarket shop, or eat out at a restaurant, without those around you thinking you’re a jerk or getting arrested (or both) then you should be able to fit in at work being just you. After all, your own values are unlikely to be a million miles away from your organisation’s. How liberating!
By exposing your real self to your colleagues (clearly not literally as you will get arrested, see above) their trust in you will grow, as they start to bring their real selves to work your understanding of each other will build, and so will your team’s effectiveness. Vulnerability can be a powerful tool in strengthening a team, and demonstrating leadership.
That’s all well and good, but what about the narcissistic psychopath?
Unfortunately, these individuals often have prominent positions in organisations and their subliminal behaviour can pervade the workforce deep into its roots. However, a psychopath is unlikely to garner much in the way of genuine respect, and their behaviour is most likely emulated through fear of doing otherwise. In a growing pool of openness it becomes increasingly difficult and tiresome for those with a genuinely differing value set to hide behind their facade. Eventually their behaviour will be exposed for what it is, and they will be unable to continue how they are. The result is likely to play out in one of two ways: either they will leave, or their behaviour will develop more extreme and divergent tendencies from the collectively held and expressed genuine value set that they increasingly expose the weaknesses in their facade.
It's highly unlikely that these individuals will leave of their own accord; it would simply be too ego-bruising and the loss of power unthinkable to them. Instead, life at work for everyone around them becomes more difficult as their behaviour and decisions develop a desperation all of their own. Some of this fallout may be directed at you and, because you've brought your 'real' self to work, can test your personal resilience.
How are you going to survive others' desperate behaviours?
This is where some 'authorities' counsel against bringing yourself to work, to protect you from what is ostensibly unacceptable behaviour. The problem with this as a coping mechanism is that it's hard work maintaining a persona that isn't naturally you, keeping an (un)conscious eye on your own behaviour distracts your brain from getting on with the task at hand, and you end up being so exhausted that when you get home you're no longer capable of being the 'real' you your family and friends know and love.
As your team grows in strength, so does your collective and individual resilience. A strong team will provide a circle of protection around an individual perceived to be vulnerable, it's simple human nature, and that act of solidarity will further strengthen the team. Before long you have a team around you who really understand each other, look out for each other, and create a safe environment in which to flourish.
Coaching plays an invaluable role, not only providing support to take the first steps to bringing yourself to work, but also in releasing your (and your team's) potential. Very few people afford themselves the time and space, or have the tools, to fully understand themselves and how they are perceived by others. The right coach can be the catalyst you need to explore who you are, and your potential. If this is something you think may benefit you, then get in touch for an exploratory conversation.
Understanding Self, Realising Potential
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